How to make certain your book blurb is the worst thing you have ever written.
Subtitled: After all, the last thing you want your blurb to do is represent your best writing.
Sub-subtitled: Jackie and Carolyn go searching Amazon…
- Compose run-on sentences
- Misspell words and use bad grammar
- Tell instead of show
- Confuse the reader
- And best of all…
insert plenty of author intrusion/asides into your book blurb just in case the reader doesn’t get it. Because insulting them really works.
Here is an example of three out of the six, author intrusion, bad grammar and and misspelled words in a book blurb on Amazon:
NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER. It does contain love scenes and fowl language since it portrays real events with authentic people.
Parental Guidance of 16 is advice.
The really nice thing about this one is that it wastes our time with a cliche too.
How to clutter your book description/blurbs with asides or author intrusion
XXXX is a cozy mystery/suspense novel that mixes fact with fiction.
Yeah, I know it’s a novel, and I know what genre I bought. And actually, um, most books mix fact with fiction. If it’s really important, tell me somewhere else–like in Author’s notes in the back of the book. By that time I might be impressed how the author wove fact and fiction to create a great story.
A novel of approximately 100,700 words.
No kidding, I couldn’t tell that from looking inside.
Have fun confusing the reader
XXX, a teenage orphan girl, has escaped the degradation of New York’s back alleys to live free in the glorious northern mountains. He hates all that is white…
If you’re going to tell instead of show
do add some extra annoyances in your blurb and mix verb tenses in a fabulous run on sentence.
XXXXX is a love story set in 18** about xxxx, the shy London born dress designer to the rich and royal who had her fortune stolen and is forced to move to America where she meets XXXX, a proud, handsome Lakota warrior who is torn between two worlds.
Lots of lovely passive case here too, I really want to hate this book.
And another thing
Do compose a blurb to tell readers how great your book and what to do to read it.
This book is a page turner. Set aside time to open a bottle of wine, sit in your favorite spot and dive into a world of long ago, a different place and time. Last sentence: …a story and action that will keep you breathless.
Here is an AVP review on the above book:
I have NEVER read a book so poorly edited. I could barely read this book because of a lack of it. I’m not talking about a few misspelled or missing words. The entire book reads as a rough draft. There are numerous times where the character’s name changes back and forth i.e. XXX XXX changes to XXXX and Black XXXXX changes to Black XXXX. The author often uses commas as a period. Punctuation as a whole is incorrect or missing, excludes the “s” off of possessives. Not to mention the constant misspelling or misuse of words, i.e. attacked/attached. There are spaces in the middle of words and no spaces between sentences. But don’t take my word for it, just do the “look inside” feature to see how poorly this piece was done-something I should have done first.
By Golly! That’s the kind annoyed reviewer you want to see. Bet she forgot to grab that bottle of wine. Honestly, some readers just won’t be told how to read.
What do you reckon? Did we miss some of your blurb pet peeves? What makes you dismiss a book before even ‘looking inside?’
Don’t hold back! Let us know in the comments…
(Next week, the Blurb Doctor will be IN with some tips on getting it right and hooking in readers.)